The Balance
Wife. Mom. Daughter. Aunt. Sister. Friend. Photographer. Boss. Mentor.
I’m sure you’ve heard this from so many people, but I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing as a work-life balance. I call bullshit. Life is hard, and it’s busy. We’re pulled a million directions every single day, and there’s simply not a possible way to balance it all.
even if no such magical formula exists, I still think it’s something we can strive for, every day. over the years I’ve worn a lot of different hats in many different capacities, and I’ve finally found some semblance of a balance in my life. I’m not saying my way will work for everyone, and I’m not claiming “Look at me! I figured it out!” because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m sharing because if my insight helps just one other crazy busy momma, then we did the do.
1. Accept that you can’t do it all. Acceptance is the hardest part, right? But once you do, your outlook will change for the better. There are so many things I want accomplish every single day. Most days, it’s just not possible. Once I realized it and fell comfortably into my “I’ll do the best I can, and whatever doesn’t get done can keep ’til tomorrow” mantra, my days are so much easier. I do what has to be done, and anything else that happens to get checked off my list is simply a bonus.
2. Learn the “right yes and the right no.” This is a hard one, especially for those of us who are self-employed. A “no” can potentially mean a loss of income. How do you decide? I base it off of a few internal questions.
Do we desperately need money?
Will saying “yes” to this person mean saying “no” to my kids? I don’t miss the boys’ soccer games unless I have a previous out-of-state commitment. And even then, it makes me so sad. I refuse to miss the big events in my kids’ lives, but I also refuse to ignore the beauty of being present in our every day. I don’t schedule evening shoots anymore. I don’t work weekends. I don’t take on extra work during school breaks. I travel with my kids whenever possible. I’m the one who tucks them in every night and is up with them every morning. This time is flying by, and I’m trying to hold on the best I can.
Do I genuinely want to do what I’m being asked? If it’s something I really, really want, it’s a yes from me. If I’m indifferent, it’s a no. It has to be worth it for my mind, body and soul to commit to it. When things stop being fun, I stop doing them.
3. Do family dinner. This is something my husband and I feel very strongly about. Years ago, I remember a particular instance when Harper had a friend over to spend the night. We all sat together at the table that evening, and she looked us like we were nuts. her friend turned to me and said, “Do you guys always eat like this?” She then said that her family has never eaten together, but sometimes they sit in front of the TV and eat that way. from that point on, I made sure to keep it going for our family. We aren’t home together every night, and sports and after school activities keep up busy. However, when we are, we always sit together in the dining room and eat as a family. No cell phones, no iPods, no distractions (other than the dogs, begging for scraps). We ask the kids about their day, let them share silly stories from school, and simply spend a little time together. If we order pizza and eat on paper plates, we eat on paper plates in the dining room together. If Ethan is at soccer until 6:30, we don’t eat dinner until after 6:30. If Maddox has a game at 5:30, we eat dinner together at 4. If you aren’t doing this, I’d really encourage you to try it. There are 24 hours in a day, and those 30 minutes we spend together as a family at the table are everything to me.
4. Date your spouse. As I go into this, I need a disclaimer. Dave and I are horrible at regular date nights. We’ve never been weekly date night kinda people. Instead, we’ve started taking annual trips. We’ve learned that date nights at home are stressful to plan last minute with all of the activities our kids are involved in, so “Date Vacations” it is! Any way you do it is the right way. But make it a priority. You have to find ways to connect with your spouse or significant other.
5. Delegate and ask for help. I spent six of the 10 years I worked as a nurse in management. One valuable thing I learned in that capacity is delegation isn’t just important, it’s necessary. You have to delegate out tasks to others. Not just asking for help, but actually assigning responsibility to others to lessen your load. My kids put their laundry away. I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually walked into their rooms and did that. A child as young as three can put laundry away. Give them chores! And don’t micro-manage them. Do you have an assistant at work? Use them! Delegate tasks you don’t want to do or don’t have time to complete yourself. Delegate. Ask for help. Do you have a scheduling conflict and can’t get your kiddo to basketball practice? Don’t be scared to reach out to another parent on the team. They won’t mind, and you’ll surely return the favor another day. When I’m struggling with anything, I’ll reach out to anyone who I know can give me a helping hand. My spouse, my assistant, the kids, my sister, a friend. Everyone who loves you is there to help you succeed.
6. Hire a housekeeper. I debated this for years. I didn’t want to be one of “those people” (whoever “they” are) that are too good to clean their own house. Finally, i gave in. I physically don’t have the time to commit to cleaning my house in the magical way she does, and I knew something had to give. simply put, our housekeeper saves my sanity. Best money I’ve ever spent. The stress and the load I carried to get ALL OF THE THINGS CLEAN was finally lifted. With this said, the kids still pick up their rooms, put their laundry away, and have a host of other chores they do. But every two weeks, my magical fairy comes. Never giving her up. If you’re on the fence about it, do it.
7. Make time for you. As often as you can. My me time? The couch, a cup of coffee, and a good book or some netflix. I lay there and watch mindless TV for at least a 1/2 hour after the kids go to bed every night. Some moms need to have that glass of wine or take bubble baths to unwind, but mindless tv or an easy read are my “reset” button. Other ways I make time for me? brunch dates to reconnect with friends. massages, facials, and a really good nap. you can’t take care of everyone else if you aren’t taking care of you first.
8. Be a friend. be the friend you know you need. find The ones who build you up, pray for you, celebrate when you succeed and pick you up when you fall—those are your people. Make time to cultivate those friendships.
9. Find a good babysitter (or four). I can’t even tell y’all how valuable our babysitters are to us. Not only do they truly love our kids, they are the reason I can work and travel. I know sometimes it’s hard to give up the “family only” rule for sitters or nannies, but I’m tellin’ ya…our sitters have created some magical relationships with our children, and i”m so grateful for that.
10. Decide what’s necessary today. This is how I break down every.single.day. We have a large wall calendar in our kitchen. Every day I look at it and think three things:
What has to be done today? Most days that consists of running the kids to various sports, a client shoot, meetings, calls, trainings, etc. things that have to be done have to be done. everything else may have to wait, and that’s okay!
What should get done today? Maybe I need to decide dinner and make a grocery run. Maybe the dogs are almost out of food Or a library book is overdue, mail needs dropped at the post office, I need to wash a few loads of laundry, empty and load the dishwasher at least once, touch base with my assistant, send a few emails, check my calendar for upcoming shoots, call that friend I’ve been meaning to touch base with, clean out my closet, call my mom back…. you get the idea.
What could I get done today? More commonly known as “this definitely won’t get done today.” Clean out the fridge. Take that box of clothes to Goodwill (finally). Organize Maddox’s closet. Call my accountant. Check to see if my newest camera is on my insurance policy. Shower. Make Oliver a groomer appointment. Reschedule Harper’s dentist appointment I cancelled a month ago. Clean out my car. These are things that rarely get done until I’m straight under duress. Even so, I do run these through my head every day.
11. Let the mom guilt go. Easy to say, I know it’s not easy to do. But listen…we’re all human. We all make mistakes. We all yell and scream when we should listen and hug. We all ignore our kids sometimes when they’re trying to tell us something important. We all do things we wish we could take back. Show yourself grace. You were born a sinner but also as a daughter to the King. You’re so loved despite the bad days. We struggle, but let that guilt go. Tomorrow is another day. If you struggle with this, reach out to a friend or a family member who can be your cheerleader and your accountability partner. Find someone who speaks truth and talks you off that guilty mom ledge. Show yourself grace.
I don’t have life all figured out, it’s a day-to-day struggle, And I’m sure many of you feel that way too. We’re all aboard the struggle bus together, and there’s power in numbers.
One day at a time.
photo by ashley crawford photography
